Biased Advice

Hey Hennrietta,


I’ve been struggling in my classes and it’s so bad I came to chemistry expecting to recite the heavy metals from the periodic table but ended up reciting the firsts act of “Henry V”.

I have been so stressed out recently and was wondering if you had any tips for helping me relieve some of my stress.





Dear RA:

Been there, done that. I once took a math test and somehow got Ben Franklin as the answer. When it comes to distressing, there is a bunch of different routes you can take. For starters, I really like to play video games. Shooting other bubbly cartoon people on ‘Fortnite’ really had done wonders for my blood pressure.

Another thing I really like to do is throw things. Have you ever stolen eggs out of your friend’s fridge and just thrown them at some trees? Let me tell you now, there’s nothing that gets my stress to melt away like mixing theft and unborn chicken babies.

Seriously, college isn’t that bad. You’ve got this. Now do the correct reading and THRIVE.




P.S.: The science faculty says you did act I even better than Kenneth Branagh  did in the movie version of “Henry V”. But they also agree; don’t wear tights and a singlet ever again in a science course. That just isn’t right.



Dear Henrietta,


I don’t know quite how to say this, but here goes … I was kinda late for ordering my cap and gown. I know it sounds stupid, but I got caught up in all the last-year-of-college stuff and I was having so much fun taking 18 hours the last five semesters with all the homework, papers, labs, research, all-nighters … it was all a blur.

I think I have an idea, though, and I want to see what you think, you being all with it on the college life.

I saved a large pizza box from the weekend after spring break, and  I found a real neat feather duster at the dollar store.

My roommate has a hot glue gun, and I have an old ball cap that got all gunked up back last year when they were throwing all that colored powder at the lake at the beginning of fall semester.

I figured I could hot glue the pizza box to the ballcap, cut the duster off the handle and glue it to the box, go get a can of black spray paint at Walmart and spray it all black and then get a white liquid chalk marker and put my graduation message on the top.

Neat, huh?


Mortarboard Manny


Dear MM:

What? I read your letter 20 times and I’m still wondering if you had a gas leak in your room when you wrote this.

Anyway, I have to give you points for imagination. I have to subtract points for execution. But it sounds like you’re going to go through with this, so here’s a few tips.

You’re going to need a gown. Go buy a bathrobe. Don’t worry if it doesn’t match your cap – you’ve already pole-vaulted over the line of good taste. Save the robe tie, and buy a few lengths of that white, yellow and camouflaged nylon rope in the hardware section of your favorite store. You can wear those and the robe tie over your shoulders like honors cords and sashes.

You might as well go all the way, so wear your best cargo shorts and flipflops. Be sure to trim your toenails and wash between your toes on commencement morning.

Don’t make any noises and don’t wave at anybody during the processional – you don’t want to be noticed.

And I may be going out on a limb here, but if you go on stage to get your diploma, play it cool. Not that it’ll help when your parents finally realize what you did, but you don’t want to ruin commencement for anybody else.

I hope this helped. Now I have to try and forget I ever saw your letter.


Go away,



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