Dear Henrietta

Biased Advice logoHey Henrietta,
Longtime reader, first time writer! I’ve found I really like
being at UVa-Wise but, that said, I’ve got to go home for winter
break. It’s not like fall break or Thanksgiving break where
I see my folks for a day or two, do some laundry, ask for
some money to carry me over for the semester and tell them
everything’s great. This is going to last for a month! And they
bought me a Christmas sweater. With LED lights!
Henrietta, how do I keep from committing a felony against
a family member during winter break? This is worse than
studying for finals.

Don’t Want to Hang from the Mantel.

Dear Don’t Want to Hang,
I know the holidays can be a time of fear and loathing,
especially when you come trotting through the old homeplace
door with five weeks’ worth of laundry. But I have a few
hints – tested on hellbenders by Wally Smith and his students
– that will help you make it back in time to regret all those
classes you thought were a great idea to preregister for back in
October:

• Connect with old friends near the homestead (preferably ones who aren’t under home confinement).
• Smile and nod agreeably with family members when they say “(Obama/Trump) is the anti-Christ!”
• Play Celebrity Bingo on Facebook with your friends with the theme, “Which celebrity has been accused of sexual assault or harassment?” In the extremely unlikely event that Tom Hanks becomes the center square, you have to burn your copies of “Saving Private Ryan” and “Apollo 13”.
• Spend quality time with your dog or cat … on second thought, forget about the cat – it’s probably glad that you’ve gone off to college and may try to steal your breath while you’re sleeping.
• Check to see if last year’s Hatchimal finally broke free of its shell … or if it’s still keen on shouting profanities.
• Come to the third floor of the Slemp Student Center and feed the Highland Cavalier’s mascot fish, Spider. Five pellets a day, and don’t forget to change the water and wash the gravel weekly. And don’t put your finger in the bowl – I’m typing this with three stiches on my index finger.
• Count down the days until Jan. 8, when Chick-fil-A is supposed to open – no more traveling to Roanoke, Norfolk, Alexandria or the Tri-Cities to get your waffle fries fix.
• Remember: Twitter now allows 280 characters.
• Archery tag is a great idea for intramurals. At home? Not so much.
• Just think; Chemistry 1020 isn’t looking all that bad now, is it?

Your crazy gal pal,
Henrietta.
P.S. – You might want to come clean about the 47 parking tickets.

Henrietta Heartburn exists to help you, the student body of UVa-Wise. If you have a burning question about ethics, scholarship, quantum mechanics (no, just kidding on that one), the perfect omelet (use water, not milk, and fry in peanut or canola oil, not butter), the meaning of life (who do I look like? Anthony Cashio?), James Bond (Daniel Craig is the best, except for Connery in “From Russia With Love”), duct tape (no, it is NOT permissable as a social ice-breaker), digital photography (try taking ART 3100: Black and White Photography), registering for classes (registrar’s office, second floor, Crockett Hall), changing the day of your final exam (read the fine print on the exam schedule on the Registrar’s web page at uvawise.edu), Marxist political/economic thought vs. mercantilism (see Eric Drummond Smith), the Oxford comma (NO! NEVER! NYET!, NEIN!) or the time of day (ever heard of a wristwatch?), send it to Henrietta at highlandcavalier@uvawise.edu.

If you have a burning question that’s not responding to the ointment or antibiotics, you might want to see the campus nurse instead of Henrietta.

For entertainment purposes only. State sales tax may apply. Null and void in NY, AK, CO, MN, CN and Luxembourg.

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